Hazzard Book of Records
by Me
Summary: Boss Hogg claims an old man is 161 to explain missing funds, and that the General's a plane and the Dukes fly with no pilot's license. Also, it's the General's 10,000th jump. . Crossover with Full House.


This crossover takes place in the summer of 1990. That's early enough probably little conflicts with even the aired reunion. However, even if it does, this story is based off of the reunion I wrote, "The Hazzard Sparkplugs," and so is in that universe; that's just in case Bo and Luke would have been on the racing circuit in the aired one by 1990. Narrator comments are in (parentheses) This rose out of a few discussions – first, what would happen if Boss ever tried to claim the General was a plane, second, about just how Rosco and another dumb character would interact, last, one a few years back on some board about how many jumps the General's probably made. It's been a while since I watched, so sorry if I don't have them perfect but I hope you enjoy them anyway.

Hazzard Book of World Records

(Bo and Luke was out driving one day when they decided to have some fun and jump over a gulch. Once they came down, they happened upon something unusual for Hazzard - tourists. This would play a part in the Hazzard County edition of the Book of World Records.)

"Aw, man," Bo complained over a suddenly very loud engine, "the General musta got a crack in her somewhere."

Luke sighed. "Well, it's been a long while since we got a new muffler. Better head over to Cooter's…hey, they got their blinkers on. Wonder if they need help."

"Let's go see." The Dukes pulled up to a minivan at the crossroads that had six people in it. "Hey, y'all need a hand?"

The tall man looked up from cleaning the hood of the car. "Oh, thanks. I figured someone would come along soon. I just thought when we found a mechanic he'd like a nice, clean car to work on," he explained. "I'm Danny Tanner," he said extending a hand.

""Howdy, I'm Luke Duke, an' this here's my cousin Bo Duke." They shook hands.

"Y'all sound like you're from out of town," Bo said.

"That's right, we flew in to Atlanta for vacation, and I thought we'd go up to see the Civil War sites around Chattanooga for a day. Unfortunately, our car seems to have broken down." As Bo called for Cooter on the CB, Danny introduced the rest of the family. "That's my best friend Joey Gladstone doing the cartoon voices, he helps raise my girls since my wife died four years ago. Those girls playing Frisbee over there in the field are D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle, plus D.J.'s best friend Kimmy, who always wants to come along for some reason."

At that point, Kimmy jogged over, having seen the Dukes and thinking they were good looking. "Howdy, boys," she said, faking a Southern accent. "Swell lookin' car you got there."

"Thanks," Bo said to the young teen as he finished his call to Cooter. "This here's General Lee."

"Funny, I always thought he wore a beard," Kimmy said in her normal voice.

D.J. had come up beside Kimmy by now, leaving nine-year-old Stephanie and four-year-old Michelle to play by themselves. "Kimmy, I'm sure the car's just named after him."

Bo explained that Cooter would be there just a couple minutes. He was about to explain what happened to the General when the county sheriff, Rosco, drove up. The younger girls walked up beside Danny's rented car to see what was up.

Luke explained for the Tanners that, "The police here are good, but ol' Boss Hogg, who runs this place, is always trying to invent some way to get us off the farm, or to not have enough money to pay the mortgage, so he can get it from our uncle."

"All right," Rosco said to the Dukes as he walked up to them, "I got you now, khee, khee, khee."

"What is it now, Rosco?" Luke asked, a little annoyed.

"Yeah, you gonna accuse us of marching through Georgia with Sherman?" Bo asked sarcastically.

'I doubt it. I don't think his army had cars in it," Kimmy remarked seriously, showing off her trademark dumbness.

"No," Rosco said, "I got you for jumpin' Hazzard Pond a couple days ago in that thar vehicle."

"What?!" The Dukes asked.

"That's a clear violation of FCC rules for flying without a license," Rosco said.

(Y'all know it's the FAA that covers aviation, right? I figured. Rosco just gets mixed up sometimes.)

"The FCC controls who's on the air, Rosco, not in the air," Luke said.

Rosco didn't care. "On, in, what's the difference?"

"I know, I know," Michelle piped up, raising her hand. "On means it's on something. In means it's inside it." D.J. gave her a look as Michelle finished matter-of-factly. "I watch Sesame Street. I know my stuff."

(Come on, Michelle; even Rosco don't need to watch that.)

Kimmy was next to chime in. "Hey," she said to Rosco, "aren't you with the 'Village People'?"

"Actually, Hazzard's big enough to be considered a town," Rosco said.

"No, I mean the Village People. You know, the band?" She turned to the others. "It's no fun to tease someone when they can't understand what you're saying."

"That never stopped me with you," Stephanie cracked. She loved to tease Kimmy.

Danny rambled that, "He's right about the FCC, though. The FCC is the Federal Communications Commission. It was founded in…"

"Oh, mind your own beeswax. So I got my letters wrong. I knew it was one of them antonyms." He had to think of what two letters went with the beginning "F." "All right, then, I got you in violation of FEE …no, wait, that's 'fee'…"

"Tell Cooter we'll meet him back at his garage," Bo said. They got in their car and drove off as Rosco pondered the letters. Rosco tried to set off after them, and then decided he'd better make sure the Tanners were okay, since they were stranded there. Cooter showed up then, though.

Rosco made it back to Boss Hogg's office, and entered as Boss Hogg was talking with a very elderly gentleman from the local nursing home. "Rosco, where were you…wait, don't tell me, you were chasing the Duke boys, and they got away."

"Well, yeah, Boss…but you know how you was sayin' maybe we could get them Dukes for something federal and if it's a big enough fine they won't have the money to pay the mortgage? Well, I was thinkin' about how, you know how people keep predicting we'll have flying cars? I had an idea."

"Oh, well that explains it," Boss Hogg said glibly. "If you got an idea, you probably strained your brain so much you had to go see the doctor."

"Well, no, see I…"

"Oh, never mind." Hogg flailed a hand at him, and introduced Rosco to the elderly man. "This here's Old Man Weston. He's 161 years old."

"Uh, Boss, that's impossible," Rosco noted, knowing nobody lived that long.

Hogg grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "I know."

Rosco was really confused now. "Well, how come you just said…?"

"Rosco, will you hush?! Now, the federal government's been lookin' into some so-called fraud in these here parts. And, of course, we have a perfectly sensible answer for the missin' funds, right, Mr. Weston."

"Sure 'nuff," the old man said hoarsely.

"See," Boss Hogg explained, "Mr. Weston didn't receive his first Social Security check till 1970. But, that was a serious error. He shoulda been receiving it when it started."

Rosco thought for a moment. "Let's see, Roosevelt took office in '33, I think…"

"But, that's not all. He could be 120, but that wouldn't account for the entire amount that's missin' from what the federal government's been givin' us to fix things here in Hazzard," Hogg explained. "So, remember that fella from over in South Carolina who claimed to be in his 120s? Or the one here in Georgia who claimed to be that old?"

"Yeah, what about him?"

"We just found a man who knew 'em. The oldest living Mexican War veteran, plus a Civil War veteran, Jeremiah Weston, born in 1830. You got your documents?"

Weston acted confused for a moment, till Boss Hogg helped him. He had dementia, so he wouldn't remember much – if anything – of what was said, but he could be convinced he was that old. He pulled several old, tattered looking, forged documents out of his jacket pocket; they were in a sealed bag. "Right here, Boss."

"So you mean…" Rosco suddenly caught onto the scam. "Oooh, I love it. This is a new one, Boss, it's so sneaky. Khee, khee, khee." He played along with Boss Hogg's sneakiness, but Rosco was just trying to get his pension money back at first, then did so much with Hogg he was too far into it. Besides, he enjoyed seeing his "fat little buddy"'s face light up when he came up with a new plan.

"Now, when the Feds see these, they'll think it might real, and he shoulda been drawin' a Mexican War pension that somehow got fouled up, till we made it right," Hogg continued. "Even if they decide it isn't, it'll still take the heat off us when it comes to wondering where them federal funds are really goin'. Come on, let's take Mr. Weston back to the nursing home and discuss what he wants to do with the reward we're giving him for helping us and keeping this quiet," Boss Hogg said. He'd promised Weston the chance to give $5000 to his favorite local charity, in exchange for letting them use his ID. Mr. Weston would forget about it by the next day because of his dementia, and Boss Hogg could have even that $5000 back. Mr. Weston didn't have any money himself, but he'd wanted to leave something, and that was his price when Boss Hogg came to him.

And, if push came to shove, he could always implicate the Dukes in helping Mr. Weston to steal the federal funds.

(So, 'ol Boss was gonna try to scam the Feds, and if they didn't believe him, he'd pin it all on Weston, claiming Old Man Weston had been the one stealing the funds. Simple, right? Well, it was till Cletus came into the office and saw the documents on the desk.)

Deputy Cletus Hogg called out, "Anyone here?" as he entered. "Oh, well, I guess noone's here. I'll just lay the book I borrowed here on…Huh?" he looked at the fake documents. "Wow, old man Weston was born in 1830?! Oh boy, this is our lucky day. The guy that just got towed in here hosts a talk show back home in San Francisco. Oh boy, Hazzard's gonna be famous," he said, nearly tripping over his feet as he ran out and across the street to Cooter's garage.

(Uh-huh. Things just don't get kept quiet in Hazzard, do they? While this was goin' on, the Duke boys were waitin' and thinkin' over at Cooter's.)

"You know," Luke said as he looked at some figures, "I reckon the General's made almost 10,000 jumps."

"What?!" Bo took the "Boars Next" napkin that Cooter had lying around to put soda on, and examined the figures. "That can't be right. We couldn't have done that many."

Cooter walked over and said, "Y'all better think again. Way I figure, each muffler can take a certain number of jumps. In fact, I know how you boys drive the General, so I always fixed them parts up to withstand a certain number. Even I can't fix 'em to withstand everything, though. So, I reckon we can take a look at what I've fixed since y'all have been driving it, and I might just be able to give you something to go on," Cooter said slyly. Truth be told, he'd have lots of fun himself telling others about the car he'd worked on so much it could make 10,000 jumps.

"Well, sure," Bo said excitedly. "This would be something to celebrate, if we could really say we're that close."

"Here," Luke said, handing Cooter the napkin, "this is the way I figure our average number of jumps per day, depending on whether we've had an uneventful day, a normal day, or a wild day."

"Right. And I know you boys; you've had plenty of wild ones. Did y'all factor in when Coy and Vance were here?" Luke said he'd done that.

Cooter went back into his office to figure out how many parts he'd installed, and when they wore out, in the General's life. Cletus soon came running into the garage. "Oh boy. Hey, have you seen that TV broadcaster, what was his name?"

"Yeah, Danny Tanner, he and his family checked into the motel here, and then they're coming back to get a loner car. Cooter said it'll take him a while to fix, so they're spending the night here, and just driving from here to Chickamauga this afternoon," Luke said.

"Who wants to know?" Bo asked.

Cletus explained excitedly. "Well, Bo, Luke, remember Old Man Weston? You know how folks were always wonderin' about his age?"

"Sure." Bo remembered it well. "'Bout ten years ago folks thought he was a hundred ten or so, till they realized a newspaper article they were using as evidence was about his dad."

"Now folks reckon he's a lot younger, like maybe around ninety," Luke guessed.

"Well, they better start reckoning a lot older." Bo and Luke were shocked as Danny walked in and Cletus said, "I just saw Old Man Weston's birth certificate and some discharge papers and such laying on Boss Hogg's desk. Look." He handed them the tattered documents.

"The ones that got burned in the fire thirty years ago?" Luke asked. He and Bo perused it.

Cletus shrugged. "I don't know about any fire; all I know is that it says he's 161!"

Danny was astonished. "What? A hundred and sixty-one year old man? I don't believe this. Even if he only claims to be that old, which he probably does, why can't these people ever come on my show? Wait a minute, they could; I could call the station and have them set up a live feed tomorrow," he said in his normal rambling mode.

"Oh, there you are, Mr. Tanner. Yep, Hazzard County's got itself a world record holder. Here, take a look. Maybe you could get a camera crew to fly out here."

Luke whistled. "That looks like it might be authentic; and it even has some marks that look like where it mighta been burned."

"Yeah, it sounds pretty phony, but…Hey, I bet Uncle Jesse would remember; after all, Old Man Weston woulda been an old man when he was little if he's really 161," bo remarked. After they all studied the documents for a moment, Cletus told them where he'd found them.

"Who knows what Boss Hogg would do if this was real; or even if it wasn't," Luke added. "We better get 'em back over there before he misses 'em."

While Cletus was returning the documents, Boss Hogg and Rosco were coming back from the nursing home. That's when Rosco spotted Bo and Luke.

Rosco immediately pulled out a notepad, ready to write a ticket, as he said, "All right, I've got you now." He turned to Boss Hogg and said. "I caught these two flying that car of theirs without a pilot's license, in direct violation of…let's see…"

"How about the FZX," Bo joked.

Rosco thought for a moment. "Hmmm, could that be it? Let's see, what would that stand for?" he mumbled as Bo and Luke laughed. "Federal Zero X…? I never was any good at geometry."

Boss Hogg fumed. "Rosco, that's algebra that's got letters in it. What you're looking for is the FAA," he declared as Bo and Luke got into the General and drove off.

"I don't think so, Boss. You see, I was lookin' through a book on them things, and it didn't say nothin' about airplanes." He took Boss Hogg's shocked look as meaning he was surprised it didn't, not that he was shocked at Rosco being so dumb. "It just said aviation. I know an aviary's a place they keep birds, cause the Smithers widow's got one with a bunch of birds to keep her company."

"Well, that's probably where you came from, 'cause you got the brain of one. Aviary and aviation come from the same root word that means something that flies. And now look, you let 'em get away again!"

"Well, gee, Boss; how was I supposed to know that?"

"That's the first reasonable thing you've said all week…" He and Rosco continued to argue as the balladdeer spoke.

(Y'all see them people walkin' by? Hazzard County's the only place where the county commissioner and sheriff could be hollerin' at each other on a downtown street, and nobody pays attention. It's so common, the only time anyone took notice, the Johnstons' cow gave birth early, and the story was still bumped out of the newspaper.)

The Tanners had just finished having supper with the Dukes, when the phone rang. Jesse got it, then handed it to Danny while D.J. and Daisy helped wash the dishes and the other girls played outside.

"That's too bad about your mom," Daisy said sympathetically. "Sounds like y'all have done a pretty good job with Michelle, though, considerin' you say your dad never made her sit in the corner for punishment till she was almost four, or even took away any privileges." She shook her head. "It musta really been a burden on you."

"It was," D.J. said sadly. "I think we're over the worst now, though. It would have helped if our Uncle Jesse was as helpful as yours, but he's still got a bit of the rebellious streak he had as a youngster. Michelle picked up on that." Jesse and his new wife Becky were on tour with Jesse's band while the Tanners were on vacation. D.J. discussed how she'd handled things and helped teach Michelle self control and such; Michelle really was well behaved now. Daisy whispered that it had taken a lot more when it came to Bo and Luke.

After they talked for a while, Danny came up to them and said, "Guess what. The station said to borrow a camera and a truck from your local station, and we can set up a remote tomorrow morning. Since the show's on at nine out there, and there's three hours time difference, my sub will just do part of the show, and then about 12:15 they'll break out to us for the remote."

"Cool." D.J. asked, "Do you really think he's that old? It sounds freaky?"

Jesse walked up to them at that moment and said, "I'm pretty skeptical. I told your dad he oughta interview a few people. I remember an old man named Weston from when I was growin' up, but I'm pretty sure it was our Old Man Weston's grandfather."

"Even if it was his dad," Danny pointed out, "if he was old when you were young, this fellow could be well over a hundred. I'm also going to interview you about that fire that supposedly burned up his birth certificate," Danny told Jesse.

"You do that. If this ain't real it's still gonna be a treat. Folks'll see how easy some tales can wind up spreadin' like a boll weevil in a cotton field," he said wisely.

At that moment, Stephanie and Michelle came in the door. "That sheriff just pulled up outside. He said you have an airplane he wants to inspect," Stephanie informed them. They then went back to flying their kites, with Joey helping them keep them airbornse.

"I thought airplanes flew in the sky," Michelle said.

"They're supposed to," Luke said with a sigh. "Come on, Bo, let's go see what this is all about." Bo and Luke left the house, and walked over to where Boss Hogg and Rosco were taking notes on the General. "Rosco, what is this?"

"It's a car," Kimmy said. "Of course, he says it's a plane. Funny, I thought the flying cars of the future were supposed to look futuristic."

"That's right, I'm takin' good notes, because tomorrow, I'm filing a report with the FAA; see, I got it right this time, khee, khee."

"Rosco, you can't do that, this here's the General, it's a car!"

"Oh, hush, Bo. I know what it is, 'cause I've been watchin' it take off an' land for years. You all have been operating this here vehicle without a license."

"Rosco." Boss Hogg whispered, "You forgot to ask if it can dust crops. So they don't have no alibi," he whispered.

"Ooooo, thanks, boss," he whispered back before returning to Bo and Luke and pointing at the General. "Is this here a crop duster?"

"No," Bo stated emphatically. Rosco wrote it down in his notebook.

Boss Hogg announced, "What Rosco's tryin' to say is, you are gonna be in big trouble. When the FAA hears about this, they're gonna slap some huge fines for all the times you've flown this here airplane, so you won't be able to pay no mortgage."

"That's right."

"Aw, now wait just a minute, Rosco, you can't claim we been flyin' without a license, 'cause you fly just as much as we do," Luke pointed out.

Hogg was shocked as the others came out. "He does? Then why do I have to replace several sheriff's cars a month while you Duke boys get to keep the same car month after month, year after year? I'm tellin' you, it's because that there vehicle is an airplane!"

"It is?" Michelle asked, turning to Stephanie. "Where are the wings?"

Turning on his charm, Boss Hogg said, "I'll tell you, little lady, they fold 'em up an' put 'em somewhere."

"J.D., that's the craziest thing I ever heard in my life!" Jesse declared.

"Well, we've got a very credible witness here in our sheriff."

Daisy explained to Kimmy about the problem with the money the fine would cost them Suddenly, Kimmy spouted, "That's okay. You Dukes can just use Old Man Weston as a side show and bring in tourists. You'll get your money to pay the fine and the mortgage in no time."

"What? What do you know about this?" Rosco asked Kimmy.

"Simple. You've got a 161-year-old man whose lives in your county."

"That's none of your beeswax," Rosco claimed.

Boss Hogg suddenly realized that perhaps they could turn this into a media event, and gain even more money. "You're right, though, we could." He decided to sell them on the idea he'd be selling the Feds on tomorrow morning. "We just gotta clear some things up first, with his federal pension, on account of he should have been receiving Social Security for a lot longer. And, his Mexican War pension. Both of which I made sure he got, so he has what's rightfully his." He looked at the Dukes. "And before you say it's phony, I gots proof." He handed Jesse a baggie filled with the forged documents, which looked very old and authentic. "See there, that birth certificate's even got the marks from when it was partly burned in the fire."

Danny whistled at the other papers. "That's incredible."

"I don't think they'll show it, Mr. T.; 'That's Incredible' went off the air almost ten years ago. Let's see, 161, that would mean he was born in…"

"1830," D.J. informed Kimmy.

Kimmy's eyes lit up – it wasn't often she knew something. "Hey, Mr. Hogg, the Civil War was in the 1860s. Did he fight there, too?"

Hogg smiled broadly. "Why, of course, he fought with a regiment here in Georgia."

"Then why don't you get him a Civil War pension?" Kimmy said in a huff. "That's just not right to let him have only one, when he suffered just as much on the battlefield in the Civil War as he did fighting Mexico!"

Rosco knew that Weston would have fought for the South, but he was too caught up in the excitement of the scheme for a second, and of trying to get his 50 percent of 50 percent. So, he ignored Boss Hogg's upset look. "You know, Boss, she has a point; if we do that, we can get even more money out of…ijit, wait a second," he said, finally remembering something even Rosco would have ingrained, being from where he was. "That don't make no sense, how could he get a United States pension if he fought against the U.S.?"

"Simple; he was in the military, and he fought on U.S. soil," Kimmy said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "He was a Civil War soldier."

"Well, let's see…somehow that don't sound right, but you know, maybe it's worth a try, if we really want to get some money, right, Boss?"

Hogg looked Rosco square in the eye. "All I know is, your family tree's got at least one branch out in California. Next thing you're gonna be agreein' with her that since they fought on American soil, the U.S. government oughta give the Redcoats a Revolutionary War pension."

"Ah, vacations," Stephanie said as she walked up to the others. "I can hear Kimmy insulted and I don't have to do a thing." Stephanie turned to Bo and Luke. "How high can you get your car to jump?"

"I don't know," Bo said. "What do you think, Luke?"

After they discussed it for several minutes, they told her. Stephanie then handed her kite to Boss Hogg. "Wanna fly my kite?"

"Oh, sure, sure," Hogg said, putting his cigar in Rosco's pocket, which startled him. He wanted to put on a good show for the tourists, which were rare in that area. "It's been a long time since I flew one of these things," he said happily as he managed to keep it soaring, a broad grin on his face as he reflected back to childhood.

"Now, where's your pilot's license?" Stephanie asked.

The Dukes laughed. "Looks like she's got you there," Bo said.

Jesse agreed. "If you say anything in the air's gotta have a license, J.D., you're gonna have to pay the same fine, just like every other kite flyer around."

"Ergh." Boss Hogg quickly handed the kite back to Stephanie and grumbled as he headed toward the patrol car. "Come on, Rosco, we got work to do concernin' the feds that are comin' here tomorrow."

(Y'all, I bet Stephanie's not the first person who's wanted to tell ol' Boss to go fly a kite. The Dukes boys got up early next morning, an' called the Tanners at the Hogg motel. They had to coordinate how they was gonna do the interviews and such, but also, they wanted to figure out how they was gonna keep Old Man Weston out of trouble. After all, I doubt the Feds are gonna believe he's 161 years old.)

Bo sighed. "Okay, I called the state board of health; we might be able to get down there and back in time, if we're at the department of heath at 9:00 sharp. We've got to find a way to prove Old Man Weston ain't no 161 years old." He and Luke looked oddly at each other. "Did I just say that?"

(Yep, you did, Bo. But, I won't tell if you won't.

D.J. and Kimmy tried to help the boys, too. In fact, Kimmy had managed to sneak into the Boss's office at the Boar's nest while nobody was lookin', at the same time as Boss Hogg was meeting with some federal agents at the nursing home.)

Roacoe started in toward Boss Hogg's office. "Hey Boss, did the federal agents come yet? Oooh, ijit, freeze," he said, unable to get his gun out of his holster as he spotted Kimmy rifling through papers.

"Here, let me help you," Kimmy said. She jiggled Rosco's gun, and managed to get it out for him as the announcer spoke.

(Oh boy. This reminds me of the time we had a coupla deaf hens, and a blind fox got into our henhouse. The fox kept crashin' and bangin' around and never got near 'em, but they never knew they was in danger, either.)

"Thanks. Now, where was I. Oh, yeah. Freeze!"

"Says who?"

"Says me. I'm ordering you to halt in the name of the law."

"Which law?"

"Why, this here county's law, that's which law. What were you doin' in here?"

"Digging for earthworms."

"You expect me to believe that?"

"No. But D.J. said we should have good excuses while we search for Old Man Weston's real identity papers."

(Advantage, Rosco. Thanks to Kimmy.)

Rosco wasn't about to threaten to arrest a tourist, especially a young teen; after all, she could easily say she just wandered in by accident. But, neither could he let on what they were doing. "Well, you're not gonna find 'em in here, so git."

"What do you want me to get?"

"I mean get git. You know, get out of here."

"So, they're not in here? Where are they?'

"Why should I tell you? I could have you arrested for breakin' and entering," Rosco noted.

"Really? What's broken?" Kimmy began looking around. "Looks like all you can get me on is entering."

"All right, trespassing then, that's a violation of rule 38(b)12…uh, uh, section a…"

"What about article Q89 section z?"

"There ain't no such article."

"Are you sure?"

"Why of course, I'm sure, I know the law in these here parts, and the code book only goes up to…let's see here…"

(This could go on a while, folks. Meanwhile, the boys had gotten some info at the state's department of health, though it took 'em a lot longer than expected, since it was from around the turn of the century they was huntin' for. Then, they hightailed it back to Hazzard, tryin' to get there before the show, while Uncle Jesse was tryin' to explain to the Feds about the fire, and Boss Hogg kept claiming he had some identity papers from Mr. Weston.

Back at the Boar's Nest, D.J. and Daisy was waitin' patiently outside the door.)

"Now, see, I told you I still have my mind," Rosco admonished as he pulled out some papers. "See here, it's Old Man Weston's real papers, and that birth certificate says he was born in 1830. And that's a discharge signed by General Taylor."

"Hmmm, not bad," Kimmy said. "But, I'm not convinced they're really his. Let me see them." She held out her hand.

"Now, wait a minute," Rosco said, as D.J. snuck a small wastebasket inside the office. "I ain't givin' these to you, and I ain't puttin' 'em back where I got 'em, 'cause you'll know where they went. I'll just put 'em right here in…wait, that wasn't there before."

"Why not throw 'em in the trash?"

"I'm not gonna do that, why, that wastebasket don't even belong here." He opened the door to see Daisy and D.J. "Freeze!"

"So, this is what a Southern office looks like," D.J. said.

"Hey, Rosco, what'cha doin'?"

"All right, I got you this time. You girls go on home, I'll handle this. Daisy, you stay here." D.J. and Kimmy walked out of the office, but waited and listened as Boss Hogg entered.

Boss Hogg came walking in with the federal agents. "Oh, good, Rosco, you got the papers all ready."

"That's right. And I caught this here Duke placing a wastebasket in this here office."

"Actually, that was D.J.," Kimmy said before D.J. shushed her.

Boss Hogg inquired testily, "What do I care if she tried to put a wastebasket in here?"

"Well, see, I found that Gibbler girl in here, and she said she was digging for earthworms, but I knew that couldn't be right, see…"

"Rosco, will you quit blabbering and get to the point."

"Well..Boss, it seems that she was gonna try to get at these for some ulterior purpose."

The agent took the documents and studied them. "Where is this girl…?"

Kimmy stepped back into the office. "Right here. Will you be able to be interviewed for 'Wake Up, San Francisco?'"

"What's that, a TV show?" It was. The agent glared at Boss Hogg. "Do you really have a 161-year-old man here, Hogg, or is this just a publicity stunt?"

"They're just trying to get him the Mexican War and Civil War pensions that are rightfully his," Kimmy said. Boss Hogg and Rosco tried to get a word in edgewise, but failed, as Kimmy continued. "And, by the way, I can't believe you wouldn't let the poor man get a Civil War pension just because he happened to fight for the Confederacy."

"What?!" The federal agent was really confused. "You do realize that if he fought for the Confederacy, that means he fought against the Union?"

"So? He fought in the Civil War."

"The state governments provided the pensions to Civil War veterans who fought for the Confederacy," the agent explained in a huff.

"That's what we've been tryin' to tell her," Boss Hogg interjected swiftly. "She's goin' off about this guy bein' 161, while all we're trying to do is track down what happened to the missing funds the Feds have been sending us."

"Hey, all I want to do is help my friend D.J. out by making sure that guy can get on her dad's show," Kimmy explained.

D.J. noted that, "Your own deputy's the one who brought us those papers. He's the one who wanted my dad to put Old Man Weston on his show."

"Ergh…well…" Boss Hogg struggled to figure out what to say.

"It sounds to me like you're the one who wanted to pass them off as real to get out of saying where that money went."

"Really, Deej? Are you sure that guy isn't 161 years old?" Kimmy asked.

"I'm sure of it, Kimmy," D.J. said, trying hard to keep a straight face.

Bo and Luke entered with the others. As they were about to present Mr. Weston's real papers, Boss Hogg said, "Oh, all right, all right. I'll take whatever I took from the federal government and use my own money for what was supposed to the rightful purpose of them funds. I'd rather give in to a couple of kids than you darn Dukes."

Kimmy turned to Danny. "What a shame, Mr. T. Now that we know Mr. Weston isn't 161 years old, you can't do that piece for your show from here after all."

"Wait a second, he might be able to," Luke said. "How many jumps did we make rushin' back here from Atlanta?"

"Hey, you got a point, Luke. Hey, Mr. Tanner, just give us a few minutes, and have someone drive that trailer with the cameras and stuff out to Hazzard Pond, okay? We've got just enough time."

(And so, that's how Old Man Weston almost had his 15 minutes of fame. 'Course, the Tanners knew what they was about to film would be almost as hard for the citizens of San Francisco to believe as a 161 year old man. Except this part was true.)

Danny was broadcasting live from Hazzard Pond. "Hi, I'm Danny Tanner, taking a break from vacation to bring you the flying cars you've heard were coming since the 1950s. Today, Bo and Luke Duke are about to make a historic jump – in fact, as far as anyone can calculate, it's the 10,000th jump in the history of this amazing car. I warn you, do not try this at home!!!! This car has been specially designed, and as you can tell from the number of jumps these men are truly experts."

The General Lee roared into action. The Dukes zoomed past the cameras, and as the car took flight, the camera followed it. It arced high in the air over Hazzard Pond, blaring its familiar tune, and landed as gracefully as possible on the other side, continuing on as the Duke boys went around the pond on the way back to be interviewed. Everyone cheered as the Charger zoomed out of view. Even Rosco and Cletus looked impressed – of course they could afford to, since they weren't the ones chasing the Dukes.

(And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the General Lee helped Hazzard County soar into the Book of World Records. We might not have them flying cars science fiction writers keep promising. But, none of them could be as graceful as the General, anyway, could they?)


End file.
